brOken doLL

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Damn those Horoscopes

"BREAK NA TAYO"

- James Martin, June 5,2009

.well that message ended all my fantasies. no explanation. no reasons. just a simple phrase after 56 days without hearing any word from him. he didn't even care if i missed him. didn't even ask how i was. didn't even mind if my mood was alright. after saying those three words, he logged out. all i can say is WOW. can't believe how the internet can help a relationship and how it can also break not only that relationship but how it can also break your whole life. with just three words that made up a phrase that brought a message that destroyed a woman's life. mine.

...after a month of not thinking about him, after a month of repressing those depressing thoughts at the back of my confused and torn apart mind, i get another chance to talk(or chat) with this guy and he asks "Can we still be friends?"

haha! friend your face!

...yeah i didn't like to say that...

what i really wanted to tell him was..

"honey i miss you so much. alam ko hindi ikaw ung ngsabi nun..alam ko hindi p tau break..alam ko mahal mo ko...and i stll love you..a lot...so much...i just want this to be fixed. i just want us to be ok..i love you very much and i dying to be with you again. i just want to know how are you...do you miss me too?"

..but no..

i can't tell him that..

.......when he asked me if we could still be friends, i figured that he really is the one who broke up with me..not his mom..not anybody else.. james..my beloved and ever faithful boyfriend, the one who i entrusted my life, my heart ...broke up with me. ..

....honestly, this whole day, i was really enjoying myself. i had a lot of fun with my bestfriends. but then i read something in the internet..about my horoscope for July 24th...which was supposed to be our 45th monthsary... and it read something like this...

The long-distance travel bug hasn't just landed in your vicinity, it's set up shop in your imagination, igniting an insatiable urge to get to that place you've always wanted to see. So at the moment, getting there is the most important thing in the world to you. Fortunately, you know where and when to go, and exactly the right person to take along with you. Now, pack. And pack lots of red and black.

..yeah i know...horocopes aren't true. but i believe in them...

...and this reading i think is telling me that he is coming back.

that james is coming home.

...but i really am scared..

why?

3. what if it never happens? wht if he doesn't come back? then my disappointment will just be overwheling and it would just add up to the things i am trying my hardest to forget. if only i could have an amnesia so that i could forget all those painful memories.

2. what if james does come back, yet, he's just going to put a closure to our relationship..? if we still have any...

1. worst. what if james does come back? come to me. but has another woman. that he just wants to show me who he's with just like how he introduced me to his ex girlfriends.

...well that would put a cherry on top of what im feeling right now...

....i just hope none of these three fears will be true..

...because up to now..

i am still hoping that we will be together again..

that he still loves me..

that he's still mine..

that im still his..

Monday, July 13, 2009

NOW

0 comments Posted by dolly at 2:40 AM

...hai....
today is monday...
i thought everything will be different, i thought things will be better for this week.
And as always...I WAS WRONG.

...i don't know if what I'm feeling right now is because of my hormones or if everything that happened and is happening are now being processed in my mind..just now... it is only now that i am realizing what i lost...or what im losing..or what i will lose...

..First, i feel very lonely.. Eversince James broke up with me, I never gave a damn. So okay, he left me. He broke up with me without any explanation. Just a plain "BREAK NA TAYO." I didn't cry. I got mad. Angry. Pissed. I swore, I cursed, I said bad words but I didn't cry. The next day I laughed and laughed and laughed. I went to the salon to take away my stress. It all worked. Temporarily. And now, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss him but I can't do anything. I thought I was ok, I thought I was fine but now I realize that I am not. I am lonely. My heart is breaking. I am deeply hurt. And I fooled myself thinking that I would be alright by not thinking about him. By pretending that I am happy. But now, all I know is that I am not happy. I am sadder than sad. I am hurt. I want to cry so loud, I want to pour my tears out but I can't. I really can't. Even if I want to, I badly want to cry yet my sadness is just so overwhelming that my tears can't even come out.

..Second, I lost one of my friends. No, she didn't die. Maybe she did die. But not die literally. She's just a kind of person who takes things personally. And that attitude ruined our friendship. Losing my boyfriend is already bad. But losing my friend is even worse. I value my friends a lot that I do my best to please them. I do everything to please them. And now, just because of a stupid paper, called a THESIS, my friend is gone. I can't even explain how much pain I'm facing right now. SHe didn't even think that I need her this time because I am really dying inside. Yes, I did bad things to her. I said words that hurt her. But I did that trying to save our friendship. I just wanted her to realize her mistakes. Yes, I have my mistakes too. I know that. I said I'm sorry. I hugged her. But ...it didn't save the friendship I tried so many times to save. But I didn't cry hard enough those times.

..Third, I am scared that this new friend I have, I might lose her too. I don't know what happened. I didn't know what I did wrong. She just didn't talk to me. I think she's pushing me away. It hurts so much because I really need them but it seems like they don't want me anymore. I feel like I'm not being wanted by anyone. They are all pushing me away. They all hate me. ..

....I really don't know what to do...I want to cry, I want to shout...I want to scream. I want to die. Because if I lose another person I cherish so much...maybe it'll be better if I'll die. Because facing life without them, is like trying to find an island in the middle of the ocean. where you don't have anything but yourself. If you'll swim, you will just get tired and get leg cramps and drown. Useless. Hopeless....

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

thesis + friends = ='(

0 comments Posted by dolly at 7:25 AM

...after getting a grade of 5(which is a failing grade) from our first consultation for the 1st chapter of our thesis..again, we faced our nightmare - consultation. But apparently, the wind blew some miracle to our professor and he approached us with a smile. haha. He gave us good advices and he explained what else we need to improve our thesis. I understood him well. And he somewhat liked what we did - at least i think so..

yeah..so for the first time, we had a good consultation. At least it wasn't a trash anymore.. but what made me unhappy was the reaction of one of my groupmate and my close friend. She didn't seem happy and she looked as if she didn't even want to talk to me. She went home straight after the consultation. Then I ask my other groupmate and she said that my friend was annoyed..or mad at me. I didn't know what I did wrong. All I wanted was to do this thesis and finish it and pass this subject.

I know this girl and I know that she is really sintelligent but there's so much distraction everywhere that makes her forgetfull and unfocused. But I really want to bring out the best in her. I really want to push her. But it seems like eveything I do is wrong.

Parang lahat kasalanan ko. Parang wala na ko ginawa na tama. Lahat ng pagpapacenxa ko ginawa ko na. Lahat ng pag-intindi. Kahit lagi sya galit pag kinakausap ko sya lalo na sa text. Ang dami ko dapat ikatuwa pero hindi ko ma-feel kasi alam ko galit sya sakin. And it sucks.

Maybe I just have to give her space. palamig muna. So in short rin. Solohin ko na lang pag-gawa ng chapter 2..

hai............................................................

kill me now!

0 comments Posted by dolly at 7:17 AM

"the night is over. another day begins. and you are still gone. time passes. my world still turns. yet my life is gone. my heart is still beating..a sign that im still alive. but this heart still shouts your name. it beats. but by still beating, it slowly..painfully..kills me.."

...haha another quote made by yours truly because of boredom and heartache?haha.. eniweiz..he's still not contacting me. almost two months already. haha. and here i am still waiting and hoping..for what?for nothing! wahahaha... whatever. life sucks. i can't even see my purpose anymore. can't see the sense of still living. can't even picture myself years from now.

whatever!!!!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Santacruzan 2009

0 comments Posted by dolly at 11:00 PM

Our country, the Philippines has many traditions. one of them is the Santacruzan which is celebrated every May. Different cities has different ways of celebrating the Santacruzan. Santacruzan, by the way is the reenactment of the search of different queens and other people from different walks of life, for the cross where Jesus died. And I am so glad and so thankful to be chosen as one of the Queens. I played as "Reyna Caridad." Reyna Caridad signifies charity and she carries a big heart. The experience was so great and I am so happy because my family was very supportive.

I was wearing a red gown, I designed it myself hehe. The gown wasn't new cause I already wore it for my Prom and for my 18th birthday. My Mom and I went to the Salon and had my hair and make-up done. I was nervous because I thought the Santacruzan will be cancelled because it was raining. The make-up artist and the other hairstylist in the Salon wwere teasing me because how can we continue with the procession with the rain pouring very hard outside? But thankfully after an hour and a half at the salon, the rain stopped and the sun appeared. So we went to church and waited for the others.

the procession, which is called Sagala, started at exactly 4pm. I was the third in line and I was so touched and flattered because as I was walking or parading, people were watching and they were shouting and telling each other "Ang ganda nung naka-pula!"(The one in red is beautiful!). People were also asking me to stop and smile because they will take my picture. I am just so flattered because I used to be invisible to them. The funny thing is every time a guy would take my piicture, my brother would stand beside me and it is as if he will eat that guy alive. hahaha.

The only problem was that while i was walking(with a five-inch high sandals), i looked at my feet and took out something which i thought was just dirt stucked to my left foot. It was too late when i realized that it was my skin! I just took it out that easy and saw that it was already bleeding. The thing is, we were still half way through with the entire procession. My foot was bleeding, I was covered with sweat, and my foot was really aching but I still have to smile and project and walk as if nothing is wrong. My mom kept asking me if I was alright and I keep telling her that I am. Thankfully I made it back to the Church eventhough my foot was aching like hell. It was only then did I tell my mom and showed her what happened to my foot. I can't forget the look in her face when she saw the wound.

The wound is still fresh and because of it I can't wear my slippers and I am scared to wash my feet because everytime a drop of water will touch it, it would hurt soooooo much.

Hahaha. After feeling beautiful this is what I get. hahaha.

;;