brOken doLL

...hai....
today is monday...
i thought everything will be different, i thought things will be better for this week.
And as always...I WAS WRONG.

...i don't know if what I'm feeling right now is because of my hormones or if everything that happened and is happening are now being processed in my mind..just now... it is only now that i am realizing what i lost...or what im losing..or what i will lose...

..First, i feel very lonely.. Eversince James broke up with me, I never gave a damn. So okay, he left me. He broke up with me without any explanation. Just a plain "BREAK NA TAYO." I didn't cry. I got mad. Angry. Pissed. I swore, I cursed, I said bad words but I didn't cry. The next day I laughed and laughed and laughed. I went to the salon to take away my stress. It all worked. Temporarily. And now, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss him but I can't do anything. I thought I was ok, I thought I was fine but now I realize that I am not. I am lonely. My heart is breaking. I am deeply hurt. And I fooled myself thinking that I would be alright by not thinking about him. By pretending that I am happy. But now, all I know is that I am not happy. I am sadder than sad. I am hurt. I want to cry so loud, I want to pour my tears out but I can't. I really can't. Even if I want to, I badly want to cry yet my sadness is just so overwhelming that my tears can't even come out.

..Second, I lost one of my friends. No, she didn't die. Maybe she did die. But not die literally. She's just a kind of person who takes things personally. And that attitude ruined our friendship. Losing my boyfriend is already bad. But losing my friend is even worse. I value my friends a lot that I do my best to please them. I do everything to please them. And now, just because of a stupid paper, called a THESIS, my friend is gone. I can't even explain how much pain I'm facing right now. SHe didn't even think that I need her this time because I am really dying inside. Yes, I did bad things to her. I said words that hurt her. But I did that trying to save our friendship. I just wanted her to realize her mistakes. Yes, I have my mistakes too. I know that. I said I'm sorry. I hugged her. But ...it didn't save the friendship I tried so many times to save. But I didn't cry hard enough those times.

..Third, I am scared that this new friend I have, I might lose her too. I don't know what happened. I didn't know what I did wrong. She just didn't talk to me. I think she's pushing me away. It hurts so much because I really need them but it seems like they don't want me anymore. I feel like I'm not being wanted by anyone. They are all pushing me away. They all hate me. ..

....I really don't know what to do...I want to cry, I want to shout...I want to scream. I want to die. Because if I lose another person I cherish so much...maybe it'll be better if I'll die. Because facing life without them, is like trying to find an island in the middle of the ocean. where you don't have anything but yourself. If you'll swim, you will just get tired and get leg cramps and drown. Useless. Hopeless....