brOken doLL

Dolly Cruz and Jason Tan - 10/13/09 - Lunchdate

PHILOPHOBIA - the fear of being attached or comitted. the fear of being in-love. Am I philophobic? People may say, "Duh si Dolly takot ma-in love? eh ang kember kember nga nyan eh!"

But no... You don't know me... Yes, I go on dates. But it is because I really want to meet the one. The one who will respect me and love me not because of what I have but because of who I am. Someone who will show me the real meaning of being "in-love." Someone who will show me that love doesn't always have to hurt that much. Someone who will show me the happiness and joy one may feel because she is being loved truthfully.

My friends know how much I loved my last boyfriend. James. They know how much I loved him. How long I have waited for him to return. How much I gave. But received nothing but heartaches and broken promises. I was moving on from the hurt I felt when he left me when suddenly out of nowhre I met this guy. His name is Jason Tan.

I met him online. Facebook to be specific. I added him cause I thought he's cute. He added me too and we became friends. I was looking into his profile when I saw that he lives in the same town and not that far away from our house. I then opened a conversation with him and luckily he replied. We started chatting, exchanged numbers and became friends in just a flash.

We saw that we had a lot of things in common. With family, past loves, hobbies, favorites and many things. Even dreams. We haven't known each other that long but we feel comfortable with each other's company. It then became part of our daily routine to talk to each other daily. We just clicked.

We started dating. Wwe started acting like we are together. We started doing things that people in a relationship do. We are happy whenever we're together.

But I am scared. I am scared that I might get hurt again. I am scared that if I fall in-love with him deeply, he might leave me. I am scared that if I let my feelings take over me, I might lose control and I might lose myself and start loving him very deeply and passionately. And what if I start asking for more than what he's giving me? What if I start acting crazy? What if I demand more? Will he be able to give me the love and attention I want? Even if I know deep down myself that he doesn't love me. And I don't know if he ever will.

I am just scared. Scared that my heart might get broken again. It is still under repair. And if it gets broken while under repair, I don't know if it will ever function anymore.

I am scared to fall in love with him.

Yet, I already have.

I love him.

after three more semesters..

i'll be able to scream..

to shout...

But will I be ready to face the real world? Will I be able to tell what is real from what isn't? Will I be able to distinguish between people who are really good to me from those who would just want to use me?

I am excited.

I am thrilled.

And I can't wait..

But in the middle of the excitement, of the thrill, honestly... I am scared... Because in a matter of 1 and a half year, I'll be graduating. I will be independent. I will be free. But I am also scared. I am scared because I don't have any idea what will happen to me in the real world. I don't have any plans. Because up to now, I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

In a matter of one and a half year.. I would be alone. There won't be any friends whom you can go out during lunch time. No friends who will let you copy from their work whenever you forgot to do yours. There won't be the "good professors" who will extend the deadline of your project because you haven't finish yours. There wouldn't be removals or special assignments to have "bonus points" to make your grades higher. Because for me, in the real world, you are not allowed to make mistakes. After graduating, the mistakes I will make will not be seen in class cards.. But it will be seen on me. In my life. I am scared. I think I am not ready yet.

Will I make it?

Will I make it out of my cocoon safely?

Will I be a beautiful butterfly?

After getting out of my cocoon, will I be able to fly?

I hope so.....

League of Filipino Students rallied in front of the US Embassy last September 11, 2009 in protest of the continued intervention of the United States in the Philippines.

LFS just celebrated its 32^nd founding anniversary. And in part of its commemoration, members of the militant group held a lightning rally in front of the US embassy.

Sovereignty in the Philippines is damaged by the stay of US troops in our country. This statement was given by LFS secretary general, Terry Ridon. Ridon stated that “The presence of US troops in the Philippines undermines the supposed sovereignty and independence of the country, even more so if that presence is permanent.”

“The continued implementation of the Visiting Forces of Agreement (VFA) and other unequal treaties with the US has taken away the victories of decade’s worth of Filipino struggle against US intervention such as the dismantling of US Bases in 1991.” Ridon added.

On May 27 1999, the Philippine Senate passed the Visiting Forces Agreement (VFA) between the United States and the Philippines. It is a bilateral agreement between US and RP which establishes mutual respect and parity on the two countries.

But after a decade of its implementation, VFA faces controversies. Has it really helped the country? Or was it a metaphor for US imperialism in our country?

According to the LFS leader, “The people’s battle cry in the anti-bases struggle was down with the US Imperialism and that remains appropriate, if not even more so today.”

“After a decade since it was ratified, we ask what the people has gotten out of the VFA. The supposed aid that is being given by the US troops in Mindanao service nothing but a smokescreen to their intervention in the country. It is nothing If it costs our freedom.”

According to them, the policies made by this agreement only serve the US’ welfare. On 2006, the US used this agreement to hold custody to the four soldiers who were accused of rape during their trial period. This led the Filipinos to think that the agreement is one-sided and is concerned only with the welfare of the US. It is a chain in our sovereignty. Some even look at this agreement as the reason why the US military troops and the US government treat Filipinos as second class citizens in their own country.

This is why the Filipino youth protests against the American troops. They want to put a stop on the way the US treats the RP. They want to stop the US in using the Filipinos as puppets. They want to trash the Visiting Forces Agreement which gives the Americans the right to abuse their freedom here in our country.

Polytechnic University of the Philippines, College of Communication holds its annual Intramurals on September 1 – 4, 2009 in preparation for the university-wide Intramurals.

“ Dapat talaga nung last week of August yung COC intrams. Peron a-move from Aug. 24-29 to Sept. 1-4 in-line with the PUP intrams” said Mac Adornado, program head of the Colloge of Communication’s Intramurals. Adornado also stated that no student from the college don’t know about the intramurals.

Meanwhile, a student from the same college contradicted Adornado’s statements saying that they were not well-informed about the events of the Intramurals.

“Hindi naman ganun ka-effective yung intrams dahil kulang sa information dissemination. Kaya yung mga estudyanteng gusting sumali sa events eh hindi nakasali dahil kulang sa information. Kung maganda sana ang information dissemination ng Student Council, eh di sana mas masaya at successful ang intrams.”

Another student, at the same time a basketball player of the college said that not all participated in the events of the Intramurals because of limited time of promotion.

Hindi komo nasaktan ka ay dapat ka nang sumuko sa pag-ibig. Sabi nga nila, marami pang iba dyan, there are many fishes in the sea, pag may nawala, may papalit na better kaysa sa nauna. Pero hindi ganun kadali tanggapin ang pagkabigo. Masakit. Mahirap. Unang-una sa lahat, ang hirap tanggapin na ang taong minahal mo ng buong puso mo, ng buong pagkatao mo, na halos ibigay mo na pati ang kaluluwa mo, eh iiwanan ka lang ng gnun. Na sa kabila ng paglaban mo, sa kabila ng lahat ng paghihintay mo, lahat ng pag-asa mo, eh mauuwi lang pala sa wala. Na bandang huli, sasaktan ka rin nya. Bibitawan na tila isang laruan na pinagsawaan na.

Siguro'y akala nya ay bato ko. Na noong una, nagandahan siya kaya nya ito pinulot. Ang iba kasi'y tinapakan lang ang batong yaon. Tinapakan, inihagis, sinipa. Pero nang siya ang makakita, pinulot nya iyon at inalagaan. Nahiwagaan siya sa bato. Ordinaryo man, naramdaman nya na espesyal ang batong ito. Minahal nya ang ordinaryong bato. Pero ang nanay nya, nagulat. Bakit daw nagdala ng bato ang anak nya. basura lang iyan ika ng nanay nya. Inutusan siya ng nanay nya na itapon ang bato. Ipinaglaban nya iyon. Ngunit sa bandang huli, nagsawa rin sya at itinapon ang bato. Bumagsak ang bato mula sa pagkakahawak nito. Nalaglag ang bato at lumagapak sa lupa. Hindi na ito pinansin ng bata. Iniwan ang bato. Umulan, bumagyo, lumindol. Ngunit hindi na ito pinansin ng bata. Naiwan ang bato at wala nang pumansin.

Hindi naisip ng bata na ang batong iyon ay may damdamin din. May puso. Nakakaramdam ng kaligayahan, nagmamahal at nasasaktan. Sa pinagsamahan ng bata at ng bato, natutunang mahalin ng bato ang bata. Minahal nya ito ng tapat. Ng buong puso, ng buong pagkatao. Hindi malaman ng bato kung bakit siya binitawan ng bata. Alam nya, mahal din siya ng bata. Mahal na mahal. Pero di nya lubos maisip na nagawa itong bitawan ng batang ito. Minsa'y naisip nya, siguro'y napagod na ito sa paglaban. Naisip siguro ng bata na wala ng patutunguhan ang pagaalaga nya sa isang bato na wala namang nararamdaman. NAisip siguro ng bata na bato naman siya, ang bato hindi nasasaktan. Hindi nakakaramdam. Matigas ito at hindi basta-basta masisira. Kung sabagay, marami nang tumapak dito, marami nang sumipa, naghagis pero hindi natinag ang bato. Siguro'y pag iniwan nya ito, pag binitawan, walang mangyayari. Dahil sanay na sa unos ang bato. Ngunit ang hindi nya alam, na ang batong ito, ang batong nasipa, nahagis, at tinapakan ng marami, ang batong hindi natitinag, ang batong napaka tigas, ang totoo, ito'y durog na. Na ang batong ito ay buo at matigas sa labas ngunit durog durog na sa loob. Wala ng makakabuo. Dahil walang makabasag sa panlabas na shell ng batong ito.

Nang iwan ng bata ang bato, buo ang shell nito. May mga gasgas mula sa dating karanasan ngunit buo ito at matigas. Pero habang tumatagal, hindi na nakita ng bata na ang batong matigas ay unit-unting nadurog. Unti-unti nabasag ang shell nito. Unti-unti nasira. At hindi na nakita ng bata ang pangyayaring ito. Buong akala ng bata ay buo pa rin ang kanyang bato. Hindi nya nakita at hindi nya alam, wasak na ang batong ito. Durog na. At walang nagmalasakit na buuin muli ito dahil sonrang durog na. Ang bato ay humalo na sa buhangin na nakakalat sa daan. Buhangin na wala ng pumapansin. Buhangin na normal na lang nakikita.

Ang batong ito ay naglaho na. Isa na siyang buhangin.

Ngunit ang batong naging buhangin, ay hindi pa rin sumusuko. Hinihintay nya ang isang lalaking hindi na isip bata. Isang lalaking sasalukin ang buhangin na ito at gagawing semento. Isang semento na makakagawa ng isang magandang bahay o daan.

I have learned many lessons in life.

especially in LOVE.

yeah..I think the greatest lesson I've learned is:

..I have learned that lesson..but i haven't put it in action.

I don't know how to love without giving my all..I always end up broken...with nothing to hold on to... Let's see how my love life worked and broke from the start..

>HINDI NAGING KAMI

>pero minahal ko

>kaptbahay ko xa dati

>close friend before he found out that I had feelings for him

>been in love with him for 3 or 5years I think.

LESSON: "Never become a bridge between two lovers. Especially when you love the other."

..yes.. believe it or not but i did love him that long..what hurt the most is that I knew how he loves a girl but that girl was never me. How did I know?Because he became the boyfriend of my niece. And I was the bridge between them. I was always the one doing him a favor, helping him court my own niece. They got together and I was left alone crying. And whenever they fight, it was always me who helps him and I am always the one he runs to whenever he needs to cry because of her. It hurt me so much but I loved him so much that I didn't want to leave him alone. The problem is, everytime they make up, he would always blame me for making them fight even though I am not doing anthing wrong. if he only knew how much it hurts me everytime he cries because of her.

Oh yeah.. Mavs and my niece didn't end up together. Maverick now has a girlfriend(or wife) and they already have a baby.. Who looked a lot like Maverick :)

>HINDI NAGING KAME

>Kuya Clark "kuya"

>4th year xa, 1st year hs aq

>close friend always kausap sa phone

LESSON:

"Open your eyes because love isn't blind."

haha... anyway, kuya clark is a schoolmate of mine. He's really fun to be with, very mature, very funny and sweet. One thing I have mistaken is that, I thought he loved me. But it was already late when I realized that what he felt for me is just a "sisterly love." And the one he really really loves at that time was my bestfriend. Ouch. They hid it from me for a long time and it became the root of so many fight between me and my bestfriend. But in the end, I raised the white flag because I don't want to lose my bestfriend because of a guy. In the end I let them free.. And I saw how happy they were and that made me happy too..

..Kuya Clark is now a college graduate. My bestfriend and him aren't together now but they are friends. Kuya Clark and I are also friends now. :)

(sorry I don't have a picture of him)

>FIRST BOYFRIEND

>my honeybear (hb for short)

>a friend of my niece

>courted me for 5months

>officially my boyfriend on May 11, 2005

>broke up on July 17 2005

..We lasted for about 2months.. haha courtship is even longer. Well, Mark is a cool guy. He's funny, cute, a good dancer, loyal and he's the first one who loved me and proved to me that I was worth loving. That's why I fell in love with him. For the first time, I knew that someone loved me. Because I feel that I am ugly and nobody would dare love a girl who is ugly like me. But he did. And he was proud that I was his girl. And I liked that. The only problem is, when we were together, he changed. He didn't show me the care I was looking for. He wasn't sweet. For example, I would tell him "Honeybear, I love you..." and he would answer, "Ako din." For the whole two months that we were together, He never told me that phrase "I love you." And he even accused me and his bestfriend of having an affair behind his back. And that pissed me off. Then I broke up with him. He didn't even show up on our second monthsary. "Inindian na ko."

And when we broke up, he didn't even run after me.. He left for States and after that, I never heard from him again. :(

>SECOND BOYFRIEND

>my dadhie..dhie..then became my bebe :)
>no official date kung kailan naging kame.

>number daw namin is 24 (July)

>we broke up din without official date..but I think mid-september un..

>he was my first kiss and ...

LESSON:

"An angel may turn into a monster too."

Yes, Paul..haha he's a good guy. He's a good son, a very caring partner, demanding too. Very sweet. We started only pretending to be together to make Mark jealous. But the pretending ended up in reality. We fell in love. At first he didn't like to be romantically involved with me because he said all his previous girlfriends ened up being hurt by him. And he told me:

Syempre kinilig naman ako dun. I also love him a lot that time. Well, who wouldn't? Paul is very very very very very handsome. He's the "makalaglag panty type of guy." haha And add the sweetness with those looks. He's suplado but he's very sweet. I really loved him. He was my first kiss. *kilig* I can still remember that night when we kissed. I really felt his heart beating loudly on his chest and when I asked him "bakit ang lakas ng tibok ng puso mo?" He answered: "Syempre mahal kita eh." waaaaaaaaaahhhh...

You may ask, what went wrong with us? Well, this is what happened. Paul was an angel for me. But after that kiss, the nightmare began. He started asking for more. He just changed. He wanted sex. And I couldn't give him that yet. But he was pushy. So i had to break up with him because I we were not working anymore. He just changed. His feelings changed. He started not minding me. Stopped talking to me. So I broke up with him. Because I knew it was going that way already. It would end up that way. So I finished it.

Now, Paul and I are still friends. We still talk to each other and we friends :)

>JAMES

>my babie .. my honey.. tisoy ko..gorgeous..yatot ko..yatz.. mahal ko..asawa ko..honey koh..

>Oct.24 2005 - officially naging kame

>June 5, 2009 - broke up

LESSON:

"Loving means letting go."

Everyone of my friends know James. Maybe not personally but if they know Dolly, they know James. He's the only reason of my happiness and one of the reasons of my agony. He's my life. And now I'm dead. I'm a zombie. I'm existing. not Living. I still love this guy. And I can't talk abou him yet. I thought I could do this but I can't.

hai... here's the summary.

We don't have any problem except the wicked witch(his mom) who is doing everything she could to separate us. Unfortunately, we lost. He couldn't fight for me. So he broke up with me. But I still love him up to now.

Well.. the question now is... will I ever be able to love again?