brOken doLL

Dolly Cruz and Jason Tan - 10/13/09 - Lunchdate

PHILOPHOBIA - the fear of being attached or comitted. the fear of being in-love. Am I philophobic? People may say, "Duh si Dolly takot ma-in love? eh ang kember kember nga nyan eh!"

But no... You don't know me... Yes, I go on dates. But it is because I really want to meet the one. The one who will respect me and love me not because of what I have but because of who I am. Someone who will show me the real meaning of being "in-love." Someone who will show me that love doesn't always have to hurt that much. Someone who will show me the happiness and joy one may feel because she is being loved truthfully.

My friends know how much I loved my last boyfriend. James. They know how much I loved him. How long I have waited for him to return. How much I gave. But received nothing but heartaches and broken promises. I was moving on from the hurt I felt when he left me when suddenly out of nowhre I met this guy. His name is Jason Tan.

I met him online. Facebook to be specific. I added him cause I thought he's cute. He added me too and we became friends. I was looking into his profile when I saw that he lives in the same town and not that far away from our house. I then opened a conversation with him and luckily he replied. We started chatting, exchanged numbers and became friends in just a flash.

We saw that we had a lot of things in common. With family, past loves, hobbies, favorites and many things. Even dreams. We haven't known each other that long but we feel comfortable with each other's company. It then became part of our daily routine to talk to each other daily. We just clicked.

We started dating. Wwe started acting like we are together. We started doing things that people in a relationship do. We are happy whenever we're together.

But I am scared. I am scared that I might get hurt again. I am scared that if I fall in-love with him deeply, he might leave me. I am scared that if I let my feelings take over me, I might lose control and I might lose myself and start loving him very deeply and passionately. And what if I start asking for more than what he's giving me? What if I start acting crazy? What if I demand more? Will he be able to give me the love and attention I want? Even if I know deep down myself that he doesn't love me. And I don't know if he ever will.

I am just scared. Scared that my heart might get broken again. It is still under repair. And if it gets broken while under repair, I don't know if it will ever function anymore.

I am scared to fall in love with him.

Yet, I already have.

I love him.