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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Damn those Horoscopes

0 comments Posted by dolly at 9:29 AM


"BREAK NA TAYO"
- James Martin, June 5,2009


.well that message ended all my fantasies. no explanation. no reasons. just a simple phrase after 56 days without hearing any word from him. he didn't even care if i missed him. didn't even ask how i was. didn't even mind if my mood was alright. after saying those three words, he logged out. all i can say is WOW. can't believe how the internet can help a relationship and how it can also break not only that relationship but how it can also break your whole life. with just three words that made up a phrase that brought a message that destroyed a woman's life. mine.

...after a month of not thinking about him, after a month of repressing those depressing thoughts at the back of my confused and torn apart mind, i get another chance to talk(or chat) with this guy and he asks "Can we still be friends?"

haha! friend your face!
...yeah i didn't like to say that...

what i really wanted to tell him was..

"honey i miss you so much. alam ko hindi ikaw ung ngsabi nun..alam ko hindi p tau break..alam ko mahal mo ko...and i stll love you..a lot...so much...i just want this to be fixed. i just want us to be ok..i love you very much and i dying to be with you again. i just want to know how are you...do you miss me too?"

..but no..

i can't tell him that..

.......when he asked me if we could still be friends, i figured that he really is the one who broke up with me..not his mom..not anybody else.. james..my beloved and ever faithful boyfriend, the one who i entrusted my life, my heart ...broke up with me. ..
....honestly, this whole day, i was really enjoying myself. i had a lot of fun with my bestfriends. but then i read something in the internet..about my horoscope for July 24th...which was supposed to be our 45th monthsary... and it read something like this...

The long-distance travel bug hasn't just landed in your vicinity, it's set up shop in your imagination, igniting an insatiable urge to get to that place you've always wanted to see. So at the moment, getting there is the most important thing in the world to you. Fortunately, you know where and when to go, and exactly the right person to take along with you. Now, pack. And pack lots of red and black.

..yeah i know...horocopes aren't true. but i believe in them...

...and this reading i think is telling me that he is coming back.

that james is coming home.

...but i really am scared..

why?

3. what if it never happens? wht if he doesn't come back? then my disappointment will just be overwheling and it would just add up to the things i am trying my hardest to forget. if only i could have an amnesia so that i could forget all those painful memories.

2. what if james does come back, yet, he's just going to put a closure to our relationship..? if we still have any...

1. worst. what if james does come back? come to me. but has another woman. that he just wants to show me who he's with just like how he introduced me to his ex girlfriends.

...well that would put a cherry on top of what im feeling right now...

....i just hope none of these three fears will be true..

...because up to now..

i am still hoping that we will be together again..


that he still loves me..


that he's still mine..


that im still his..

:(







 

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Monday, July 13, 2009

NOW

0 comments Posted by dolly at 2:40 AM

...hai....
today is monday...
i thought everything will be different, i thought things will be better for this week.
And as always...I WAS WRONG.

...i don't know if what I'm feeling right now is because of my hormones or if everything that happened and is happening are now being processed in my mind..just now... it is only now that i am realizing what i lost...or what im losing..or what i will lose...

..First, i feel very lonely.. Eversince James broke up with me, I never gave a damn. So okay, he left me. He broke up with me without any explanation. Just a plain "BREAK NA TAYO." I didn't cry. I got mad. Angry. Pissed. I swore, I cursed, I said bad words but I didn't cry. The next day I laughed and laughed and laughed. I went to the salon to take away my stress. It all worked. Temporarily. And now, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss him but I can't do anything. I thought I was ok, I thought I was fine but now I realize that I am not. I am lonely. My heart is breaking. I am deeply hurt. And I fooled myself thinking that I would be alright by not thinking about him. By pretending that I am happy. But now, all I know is that I am not happy. I am sadder than sad. I am hurt. I want to cry so loud, I want to pour my tears out but I can't. I really can't. Even if I want to, I badly want to cry yet my sadness is just so overwhelming that my tears can't even come out.

..Second, I lost one of my friends. No, she didn't die. Maybe she did die. But not die literally. She's just a kind of person who takes things personally. And that attitude ruined our friendship. Losing my boyfriend is already bad. But losing my friend is even worse. I value my friends a lot that I do my best to please them. I do everything to please them. And now, just because of a stupid paper, called a THESIS, my friend is gone. I can't even explain how much pain I'm facing right now. SHe didn't even think that I need her this time because I am really dying inside. Yes, I did bad things to her. I said words that hurt her. But I did that trying to save our friendship. I just wanted her to realize her mistakes. Yes, I have my mistakes too. I know that. I said I'm sorry. I hugged her. But ...it didn't save the friendship I tried so many times to save. But I didn't cry hard enough those times.

..Third, I am scared that this new friend I have, I might lose her too. I don't know what happened. I didn't know what I did wrong. She just didn't talk to me. I think she's pushing me away. It hurts so much because I really need them but it seems like they don't want me anymore. I feel like I'm not being wanted by anyone. They are all pushing me away. They all hate me. ..

....I really don't know what to do...I want to cry, I want to shout...I want to scream. I want to die. Because if I lose another person I cherish so much...maybe it'll be better if I'll die. Because facing life without them, is like trying to find an island in the middle of the ocean. where you don't have anything but yourself. If you'll swim, you will just get tired and get leg cramps and drown. Useless. Hopeless....

 

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